Time passes

How do we measure time.
In minutes, hours, and days? Or in moments and memories and events?

I don't know anymore.

I have so many things going on in my life that the days reach their fingers into each other and what feels like days ago was this morning. I don't know if that is just being busy or if it is being too busy to see the moments that make each day unique. How do I just go about my day and not think or dwell on my situation, whichever one it might be for the day?

My family is falling apart and all I can do is watch, wait for the moment that I don't ache anymore. Wait for myself to literally split in two from the conflict. I so much want to make sure my marriage makes it, I want so much to just fight for that comfort of home. I wish it could be that simple but it's not. It's not the same because of the issues. The mix of depression and addictions. I can't make things happen and I can't force change, all I can do is set my boundries and pray. I know God has this, but it is very hard to see the path for me right now. I know that I created the circumstances that I am in as God forgives us for our sins and can wipe away the guilt and shame, but He doesn't just make things better for you. There is a reaction to each and every action. I chose this, now I must figure out how is best to deal with this. There is so much possibility in it all, I wish so much that he would see Christ in all this and be set free from the problems but I don't think he will. I want so much for this to be the starting point for a great and wonderful life together, that revealing all to each other would bond our souls together, to get through this rough time. I want it, I need it. I don't believe it will be mine.

So, I sit and wait and see how this goes.
I don't know my surroundings anymore, it's not familiar land.
I feel like a tourist in my own marriage. An unwanted vacation that won't end. I want to be home, where I know the feel of my husband's arms, remembering the scent of his embrace. I want to walk through the front door and be surrounded with love. I want my love tank to be full and not ever need to fear where the next station is at, just a constant flow of love. I really really don't want to have to think about finding it all over again. I know it's a possibility, but it's scary. I want to beat the odds. I want to have more kids and buy a house, and move to different states and enjoy our interests and learn new ones we didn't know existed.
That picture is like the dream that fades slowly away, the image gets blurry and the conversations seem harder to understand. My life is in that moment when you're not asleep any longer, dreaming of the perfect life, but you're not quite awake...hoping that if you just keep your eyes closed the dream will come back.

One Week

One week makes on the difference.



This time one week ago, my world was still in one piece. My life made sense. I had two beautiful children with a great man, a home and family of envy. I had everything I could think of and my greatest worries of the time were that I am a Christian and my husband is not.



Seems meaningless now. Like I shouldn't have concentrated on that when there are such bigger issues hovering on the horizon like smoke after a forest fire.



How was I supposed to know?



I want to be angry at God, say a big "F you!" and just walk away with a why me mentality but it's unlike me to be so confrontational. Even in the moment when I discovered this secret, I didn't get mad. A little sick to my stomache, a little light headed, and a lot of disbelief that I was in fact awake, but not angry.

I knew God had been preparing me for something, and I thought I had it all figured out but I had no clue the plans behind Christ's guided journey that I've been on the last few months. I see what an awesome God He is and that I have no say over His will for my life when I have surrendered it all to Him and can only accept what He says. I may fall on this journey and not understand what is supposed to happen in life from this, but I am praying for answers and that the grand scheme be revealed to me.



I did not choose to deal with this...I chose a man who has this as a part of his journey. He needs God, he needs me, he needs someone to love him despite this and to understand that an addiction is a mental state and not a personality disorder. I have to love him like Jesus loves him, and the Jesus I know would not leave him to deal by himself.

Oh goodness

Henrik is walking.
Adilynn has gained attitude.
I feel like I have been hit with the reality whip...

Why is it that you don't realize how fast time actually goes by until it's too late to take it back? My kids are children now, right in front of my own eyes, every day changing and growing. I just don't understand how that happened. I know, I know. "Time Flies" but seriously; when did my daughter become the child that uses expressions that I use, picks out movies to watch, adores Barbie and can name her role in every show? She chooses her outfits and tells me the truth (however much I don't want to know it: "mommy, your hair is crazy" (<---to the hair style I'd worked on for an hour))
My son is walking and starting to talk, how? I haven't come to grips with the fact that his first birthday is in a couple weeks, but come on. Why does he have to quicker to these milestones than Adi was?? I'm not prepared to let him go and have him explore the house and learn new skills...selfish as that may be, I want him to be my cuddler, my breastfeeding to sleep, content in my arms, depends on me for everything BABY for a little (okay, a lot) longer.

If this puts it in perspective, I interviewed and toured a preschool the other day. One that I have to pay for. That's right...PAY FOR. Education has a cost, and I can no longer say that I am okay with low-income, free schools (though I was at one myself) but there is something there, something different at a private school, that can't be compared. I wouldn't feel right knowing that my daughter would do best at this Montessori school, but just didn't want to pay for it, and so I send her where it is convenient for me...I would feel like I wasn't putting her first. And if I do anything in my life, it WILL BE to sacrifice my own desires for the betterment of my children. I can give up my coffees and scones. Period.

Please God, make time slow down.

I'm old and I like it...

I feel like an adult. Now I know you're going to say, "you are an adult." But you can technically be an adult and still feel young, and then you can also feel like an adult and be young technically...but there is a happy medium that I am at now, where I am not young enough to be too young and old enough to feel young, all while being an adult and feeling good about it.i have two kids, a husband, a home, and I enjoy being that woman that makes sure things get done, choking food, going to the park, and doing art projects.i am happy.

I think God had all this planned out for me and I was just too stubborn to see it and except it ask. All the blessings.
I used to think my life was destined to be different, extraordinary, and when I got pregnant I thought that my big plans were going to change...but this is what makes me extraordinary. I was given a man that is undoubtedly head over heals in love with me, great with or children, never judges me, and is a true and kind man. I used to love him and knew that we were a party of each others lives, but now each day I fall more and more in love with him, anticipating each new day. I didn't really appreciate him. I do now. He was God's plan for me...even when I didn't see it.

I love my life and I am thankful for my blessings.

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Good golly, mr henrik.

I believe my ears are bleeding. Henrik not only has the highest pitched screams, but he knows how to throw a tantrum already. All of a sudden I hear these mind blowing, piercing, makes you're hair stand on end, shiver down your spine bellows and I run like any mother would to see what is going on, thinking the worst, and when I see him by adi I imagine what harm she inflicted, and no sooner than I arrive he sits back, smiles, and takes the toy he wants from adilynn. I swear she has been the victim more lately than he has!

I mean seriously, I feel for the kid because he's got seven (no, not a typo) pearly whites coming through his little gums but really...can we say abuse of power?

In better news, my friend had her baby, safe and healthy, and I'm currently decorating her tiny cake. It's a mommy cake, because when you have a baby in your tummy, you are the center of attention because you hold the baby a mystery, but once birth happens that changes. Now people barely look at you when your speaking, they just stare at your adorable little creation (which was fine by me and my puffy face!) But I thought I'd bring her a gift too...plus just because pregnancy is technically over, does not mean that those cravings stop and that you instantly go back to your pre-pregnancy life style and eating habits. I mean come on, you've had nine months of sweets and no limits, plus within the last few days you've been so uncomfortable and then through excruciating pain, plus the are effects of pushing a little human through an area that is sacred and small...a cake is the absolute least that someone can do!

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Charmed

We all have our guilty pleasures, right? Well mine is DEFINITELY charmed. A show that I love even though it's considered lame. Lol.

Makes me happy to about magic. Birthday I believe in it but still...

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When he's sick, it's not a cold...it's the end of the world.

I hate, loath, despise when my husband is sick. I suddenly have three kids and he's the whiner. I can't do things enough to please him and I can't ask him to help out at all because he's so sick. When I'm sick though, it's like, sorry you'resuffering hun, but I haver to do homework and have some few time before I have to go to work.
Whatever.

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Sickly

As a mom, when your kids are sick you step up and dio what you have to do. My adrenaline kicks in to high gear and I feel invincible but then the inevitable...i myself get sick. Yay. I have to call in reinforcements because my toddler can't take care of my infant.nice.

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Another year older

So I am 23.

My birthday was this week and I feel like I should be celebrating 26 or 28 or something. A bigger number because 23 sounds so young. It's a number that should imply that I am just out of college, partying on weekends, and dating randomly. Instead of where I am in life, which is married with two kids, stable in a house and passing time until our careers start. Not a very young lifestyle, but still so young. lol.

Planning for my birthday, brought back memories of old birthdays and what I did for them. Especially when I was a teen and wanted to just hang out with my friends. I couldn't understand at that time, that my mother wanted to spend the day with me probably more than anyone, because I didn't have the knowledge of motherhood like I do now. Birthdays are not for you. They are a shared holiday. This day is the anniversary of your birth, which is one of the most special days of your mom's life. I can't imagine not celebrating that.

I must say that I am proud of myself too. For I went to the gym on my birthday so that I didn't break our streak of going. It is going on three weeks of good workouts. I can't wait to weigh in on monday and see if my efforts have paid off.

Some things that recently have been on my mind while at the gym include:

1. Attention Skinny Divas - DO NOT judge me. I see you staring at me while I work out, with the sideways glances. Gym's are made for getting in shape and that's what I'm doing. I'm not here to get my GTL on. I'm not here to find a man. And I can't wait to see you put the effort in when you've had two kids in two years.
2. If you are in close quarters, like say the locker room, and my locker is next to yours, please just wait for me to grab my bag and move. Don't rub up against me stark naked, and then proceed to shove your assets in my face while you dig for your clothes. k? (and ps. if you are going to go nude here, at least shave or wax...it really is distracting)
3. Please be kind and workout next to people. Don't space yourselves out so much that when two people want to work out next to each other, it is impossible. Same foes for the sauna or the hot tub...I understand wanting your space, but when new people come in, just make some room. Thanks.

Despite the snide glances and bare bottoms, I will continue to go. I will reach my goals of health.

Resistance Training

Strong Willed.
Tempermental.
Spontaneous.

Three words that very much describe my daughter. I knew from the day she was born that I had about 24 months before the "terrible twos" began...but seasoned mothers don't tell you that this attitude starts before then, continues through the whole second year, and begins age three with a scream. Yikes.

I never wanted to be a mom that yelled. Dillusional and in my glory, I thought that I would be able to meet those tough years with a "new attitude." Wrong. I remember thinking that I would be able to communicate to my child which actions were right and which were wrong, but what I have been learning through my training (daily meltdowns and diva'tude) is that the reason this age is so hard is not because they are being bad, but because they are confused and frustrated. Scared and unsure of themselves. We credit teenagers for going through a "rebelious stage" but we as mothers forget that our littlest ones don't understand life at all yet. They are transitioning from being completely dependent on us, to doing things for themselves. I know I would be freaked out in a similiar situation. Say...I was a skydiver. I would jump but with someone attached to me. As time went by, I would be taught all the things I needed to know on how to jump by myself. No matter how many times I jumped or how much training I had in it, I would still have a panic attack when they opened the door and told me jump. No one to pull the cord if I forgot, no one to rely on.
So, taking this in to account, I am trying to be more understanding toward my daughter. She is a beautiful and smart girl, who definitely knows how to push my buttons, but instead of being frustrated by her neediness or desire for me to do things for her I am trying to show her that she will be much happier if she works through that insecurity and accomplishes it on her own, that I'm here to help. I'm here to congratulate her when she does it. To see that smile and joy when she does something is great.

With my new found understanding, bittersweet feelings have sprouted. My baby girl is not going to be my baby girl for long. She is learning how to live life. She is on her way to arranging her own "play dates" and saying, "can I just meet you at the food court". This came to me yesterday while I prepared for the usual crying, she just waved goodbye and walked away into the daycare at the gym. No "I wanna come too!" or distraction plan by the staff and myself. She just turned and waved and walked away. Started playing with her friend. *sigh*

Why do they have to grow up?

My son is babbling on the floor. Says "mama" "dada" and just this morning "adi". He blows raspberries and makes messes. He scoots along the furniture and climbs the stairs. He aims to play with the dog food cause he knows he can't and thinks it's a game...only 9 month old and he crawls with speed while giggling as I jump up to grab him before his chubby little hands get ahold of the kibble.

I am so grateful that they are healthy and happy, but it makes me somewhat sad to see them growing up. It makes me realize how quickly time is actually going to go by.

Boo boo fixer

Nothing hurts more than watching your babies get hurt.
All I wish is that I could keep them in a bubble forever where nothing bad can happen. Never a scratch, a tumble, a bump...nothing.
But this is not how life works, dang it. And I am finding out just how much it hurts me more and more now that my daughter is turning three. She is climbing and trying out new things, seeing how much of a "big girl" she is. It is terrifying.
Not only does she not understand that for every action there is a reaction, but she thinks she's invincible.

Just today, she decided to climb up her brother's walker and jump to the couch. Where an adult would say, "this may not work, because when I push off of this object with wheels it will inevitably move...not me forward, but down."
Nope. In her mind it probably went something like this, "this toy is cool. I can see far when I stand on it. Oohh - the couch! I want to be there. Alright, if I jump up I can get on the back. Alright, I'm going to do. Alright." crash. "Mamommmm!!!!!!!!"

Seeing her balling and shaking, my heart stopped beating and I wanted to cry for her, to take away her pain. She tells me she fell on her privates. I observe where she fell and what she fell on, a plastic bar that hold the toys and lights onto the walker...ouch. At least she isn't a boy, but still! I don't think recognition is given enough to how much it hurts to get hit there on a lady. It's a bit of flesh and then the pelvic girdle...so essentially not a whole lot. Much like hitting or pinching your funny bone. Sharp. and Painful.
Poor baby girl.

I think to myself, well she wont do that again. But as I hope that my injury quota for the day is full, I find my beautiful, curious daughter attempting to stand on the coffee table. Oh geez.

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body

My brother in law said this to me awhile ago, and today I saw it randomly in an older post on my other blog. It inspired me on a superficial level...I just mean that while enjoying the pain in my abs, thighs, and tush I was relieved to think that possibly I was going to get into shape after all.

Diapers and dog food

Oh boy.

Literally. My son is everywhere, all the time...he never slows down.
He started crawling recently and I mean the real deal here - no more army crawling around the house but up on all fours and quick. He has reign of the house, with restrictions of only the stairs and the dog food. The only place he decides to use this freedom...the dog bowl. He is obsessed with it!
So I did some research on the matter and found out that most kids like the dog dish and that I should just make sure he doesn't eat it. Well, easy enough to say but when your nearly three year old has managed to get on the counter is dropping coffee mugs onto the floor, it is a different situation all together. He gets the pieces in his little fists and holds on like they are the only food he is allowed. It doesn't matter how many musical toys or trucks are put in front of him either...he still bee lines it straight to those dang red bowls on my kitchen floor.

All I can say is that I am excited to get that extended gate for the kitchen, the one with the swinging door and animal door.

On another note....he got his first tooth too. So as I pulled the dog food from his mouth, I also get bit. Yay.




I hate whining.
How is it that children, toddlers to be more specific, learn that whining is the one thing that drives parents crazy? Is it in our DNA to possess that high pitched, fake tears, and drawling screech? My daughter has recently discovered that attention is attention and that she will take negative attention as well as positive. It is one of those thing that I was trying to avoid by making sure she had time with just her parents and plenty of things to do, so that she didn't feel the need to act out...I was delusional to dream of such peace.
She can make your hair stand on the back of your neck, so much that I believe there is a little military standing at attention back there. My ears ache and my head rings, but I suffer in silence until the fit is over...and my husband wonders why he has to say my name 3-4 times before I realize he is talking to me. Hahaha. It is a skill that mom's aquire - survival instinct 101.

Finished out the year...a half hour early.

I used to enjoy holidays.

I used to fantasize about the great new years party I would plan for all my friends and neighbors. Music playing with Times Square on the TV, waiting for the ball to drop. Confetti and drinks, decorations and snacks, a kiss to welcome the new year.

Reality of it all hit me this year. As my kids fell asleep on the couch, sprawled between my husband and myself, breathing quite audibly from the congestion that swept our family into a thick sickness. (yuck) My friend who has stayed with us for a few days, sitting in the chair with two dogs. We watch the ball drop in East coast time and wait for our own time zone...if only. The last thing I remember is talking in hushed tones to each other about what the new year would bring...and then waking up again at 12:26. Looking around the room, everyone was asleep. Not one of us made it to midnight. The exhaustion took us by storm, and we were merciless to its power. A bunch of young twenty-somethings who should have been at a bar, dancing a welcoming 2011 dance, but no. We are snoozing in our sweats. Just glad to have some time to sleep.

Wow. What a difference my life is.
Some friends of mine have recently been discussing that having me as a friend (with my two kiddos) is a great form of birth control because they see the reality of it. Motherhood is not easy. Motherhood is not glamorous. Mommies have to work hard to be milf....if they even reach that status ever. Motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice. You are no longer allowed to be selfish. Time, food, money, everything...it all belongs to your children. You scrounge for an hour to watch Grey's Anatomy or Army Wives - most the time online or on demand since primetime tv is a distant memory. If my television is on, brightly colored animals sing and dance to outrageous themes about manners and putting on your shoes. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my electronic helper, but I used to have Maury on in the background talkin bout "you are not the father!"

Even right at this moment...I am trying to eat a salad (little prep time...quick to eat) and my son is crawling around and my daughter fell asleep in her lunch.

New year, new me.

For a long time I have had a skewed vision of myself and the life that I live in.
Dreaming and idealizing what I would do, where I would go, and who I would be without living the life that I have been given to the fullest. In so many ways there are numerous opportunities that I have let slip without realizing they were there at all, and on the other side of things I have gained so much in the process...I don't want to let any more time go by without embracing it fully.

I feel like so much clarity has come to me through the course of this past year and now with a clean slate of 2011, I want to use this new motivation and self realization to my advantage. I want to embrace life and enjoy it. I will make needed changes, not without complaint I'm sure but when you're faced with hard decisions they mind is more important than the act itself I believe. For example, I want to make time...time for myself, my family, my passions, my future. Making time literally is not a reality but what I choose to do with each hour I have is essential. Instead of relaxing by watching TV or texting, I can write or scrapbook. I can hang out with friends when I hit the gym with her/them. I can dedicate time to my kids individually so that they feel fulfilled, creating less stress time due to bad behaviors. I can plan finances better so that my dear husband doesn't get overwhelmed, and I can tell him everyday that he is appreciated and loved...through actions, words, or unspoken moments shared in a hug.

I want to improve myself and show my inner strength. I want joy to radiate out of me, like it used to so that it is contagious. I want to be satisfied with life, even when it doesn't seem to be going my way. Mind over matter.

My resolutions: ...so far....
*work out with Britta to get healthier (and lose the baby weight!)
*take time for family.
*tell Dan my feelings and what he means to me more.
*indulge in my creative side more by scrapbooking, creating household goods, etc.
*try to learn a new skill
*stay connected to friends with more than just facebook





It shouldn't be a resolution. So I won't list it. This is a lifestyle change and getting back to what was...
I WILL retouch the spiritual side of my life. I have let it go for a long time and haven't been too enthused about getting back to my spirit because I was afraid of what it would look like to myself. But screw that. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, and there is no reason that I should be scared of what I look like on the inside because I am a good person. I have been dealt an offhanded card throughout my years and I could be in a bad place but I chose a different life for myself. I chose life. I chose to be better than was expected of me. I choose everyday to love and live. I choose to make improvements where they need to be and I choose to follow my heart. I choose to let go of things and people that stand in my way and I choose to keep those who stand by me and support me.

I choose a new me. I choose a new year. I choose.