So I am 23.
My birthday was this week and I feel like I should be celebrating 26 or 28 or something. A bigger number because 23 sounds so young. It's a number that should imply that I am just out of college, partying on weekends, and dating randomly. Instead of where I am in life, which is married with two kids, stable in a house and passing time until our careers start. Not a very young lifestyle, but still so young. lol.
Planning for my birthday, brought back memories of old birthdays and what I did for them. Especially when I was a teen and wanted to just hang out with my friends. I couldn't understand at that time, that my mother wanted to spend the day with me probably more than anyone, because I didn't have the knowledge of motherhood like I do now. Birthdays are not for you. They are a shared holiday. This day is the anniversary of your birth, which is one of the most special days of your mom's life. I can't imagine not celebrating that.
I must say that I am proud of myself too. For I went to the gym on my birthday so that I didn't break our streak of going. It is going on three weeks of good workouts. I can't wait to weigh in on monday and see if my efforts have paid off.
Some things that recently have been on my mind while at the gym include:
1. Attention Skinny Divas - DO NOT judge me. I see you staring at me while I work out, with the sideways glances. Gym's are made for getting in shape and that's what I'm doing. I'm not here to get my GTL on. I'm not here to find a man. And I can't wait to see you put the effort in when you've had two kids in two years.
2. If you are in close quarters, like say the locker room, and my locker is next to yours, please just wait for me to grab my bag and move. Don't rub up against me stark naked, and then proceed to shove your assets in my face while you dig for your clothes. k? (and ps. if you are going to go nude here, at least shave or wax...it really is distracting)
3. Please be kind and workout next to people. Don't space yourselves out so much that when two people want to work out next to each other, it is impossible. Same foes for the sauna or the hot tub...I understand wanting your space, but when new people come in, just make some room. Thanks.
Despite the snide glances and bare bottoms, I will continue to go. I will reach my goals of health.
January 14, 2011
January 13, 2011
Resistance Training
Strong Willed.
Tempermental.
Spontaneous.
Three words that very much describe my daughter. I knew from the day she was born that I had about 24 months before the "terrible twos" began...but seasoned mothers don't tell you that this attitude starts before then, continues through the whole second year, and begins age three with a scream. Yikes.
I never wanted to be a mom that yelled. Dillusional and in my glory, I thought that I would be able to meet those tough years with a "new attitude." Wrong. I remember thinking that I would be able to communicate to my child which actions were right and which were wrong, but what I have been learning through my training (daily meltdowns and diva'tude) is that the reason this age is so hard is not because they are being bad, but because they are confused and frustrated. Scared and unsure of themselves. We credit teenagers for going through a "rebelious stage" but we as mothers forget that our littlest ones don't understand life at all yet. They are transitioning from being completely dependent on us, to doing things for themselves. I know I would be freaked out in a similiar situation. Say...I was a skydiver. I would jump but with someone attached to me. As time went by, I would be taught all the things I needed to know on how to jump by myself. No matter how many times I jumped or how much training I had in it, I would still have a panic attack when they opened the door and told me jump. No one to pull the cord if I forgot, no one to rely on.
So, taking this in to account, I am trying to be more understanding toward my daughter. She is a beautiful and smart girl, who definitely knows how to push my buttons, but instead of being frustrated by her neediness or desire for me to do things for her I am trying to show her that she will be much happier if she works through that insecurity and accomplishes it on her own, that I'm here to help. I'm here to congratulate her when she does it. To see that smile and joy when she does something is great.
With my new found understanding, bittersweet feelings have sprouted. My baby girl is not going to be my baby girl for long. She is learning how to live life. She is on her way to arranging her own "play dates" and saying, "can I just meet you at the food court". This came to me yesterday while I prepared for the usual crying, she just waved goodbye and walked away into the daycare at the gym. No "I wanna come too!" or distraction plan by the staff and myself. She just turned and waved and walked away. Started playing with her friend. *sigh*
Why do they have to grow up?
My son is babbling on the floor. Says "mama" "dada" and just this morning "adi". He blows raspberries and makes messes. He scoots along the furniture and climbs the stairs. He aims to play with the dog food cause he knows he can't and thinks it's a game...only 9 month old and he crawls with speed while giggling as I jump up to grab him before his chubby little hands get ahold of the kibble.
I am so grateful that they are healthy and happy, but it makes me somewhat sad to see them growing up. It makes me realize how quickly time is actually going to go by.
January 11, 2011
Boo boo fixer
Nothing hurts more than watching your babies get hurt.
All I wish is that I could keep them in a bubble forever where nothing bad can happen. Never a scratch, a tumble, a bump...nothing.
But this is not how life works, dang it. And I am finding out just how much it hurts me more and more now that my daughter is turning three. She is climbing and trying out new things, seeing how much of a "big girl" she is. It is terrifying.
Not only does she not understand that for every action there is a reaction, but she thinks she's invincible.
Just today, she decided to climb up her brother's walker and jump to the couch. Where an adult would say, "this may not work, because when I push off of this object with wheels it will inevitably move...not me forward, but down."
Nope. In her mind it probably went something like this, "this toy is cool. I can see far when I stand on it. Oohh - the couch! I want to be there. Alright, if I jump up I can get on the back. Alright, I'm going to do. Alright." crash. "Mamommmm!!!!!!!!"
Seeing her balling and shaking, my heart stopped beating and I wanted to cry for her, to take away her pain. She tells me she fell on her privates. I observe where she fell and what she fell on, a plastic bar that hold the toys and lights onto the walker...ouch. At least she isn't a boy, but still! I don't think recognition is given enough to how much it hurts to get hit there on a lady. It's a bit of flesh and then the pelvic girdle...so essentially not a whole lot. Much like hitting or pinching your funny bone. Sharp. and Painful.
Poor baby girl.
I think to myself, well she wont do that again. But as I hope that my injury quota for the day is full, I find my beautiful, curious daughter attempting to stand on the coffee table. Oh geez.
All I wish is that I could keep them in a bubble forever where nothing bad can happen. Never a scratch, a tumble, a bump...nothing.
But this is not how life works, dang it. And I am finding out just how much it hurts me more and more now that my daughter is turning three. She is climbing and trying out new things, seeing how much of a "big girl" she is. It is terrifying.
Not only does she not understand that for every action there is a reaction, but she thinks she's invincible.
Just today, she decided to climb up her brother's walker and jump to the couch. Where an adult would say, "this may not work, because when I push off of this object with wheels it will inevitably move...not me forward, but down."
Nope. In her mind it probably went something like this, "this toy is cool. I can see far when I stand on it. Oohh - the couch! I want to be there. Alright, if I jump up I can get on the back. Alright, I'm going to do. Alright." crash. "Mamommmm!!!!!!!!"
Seeing her balling and shaking, my heart stopped beating and I wanted to cry for her, to take away her pain. She tells me she fell on her privates. I observe where she fell and what she fell on, a plastic bar that hold the toys and lights onto the walker...ouch. At least she isn't a boy, but still! I don't think recognition is given enough to how much it hurts to get hit there on a lady. It's a bit of flesh and then the pelvic girdle...so essentially not a whole lot. Much like hitting or pinching your funny bone. Sharp. and Painful.
Poor baby girl.
I think to myself, well she wont do that again. But as I hope that my injury quota for the day is full, I find my beautiful, curious daughter attempting to stand on the coffee table. Oh geez.
January 10, 2011
Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body
My brother in law said this to me awhile ago, and today I saw it randomly in an older post on my other blog. It inspired me on a superficial level...I just mean that while enjoying the pain in my abs, thighs, and tush I was relieved to think that possibly I was going to get into shape after all.
Diapers and dog food
Oh boy.
Literally. My son is everywhere, all the time...he never slows down.
He started crawling recently and I mean the real deal here - no more army crawling around the house but up on all fours and quick. He has reign of the house, with restrictions of only the stairs and the dog food. The only place he decides to use this freedom...the dog bowl. He is obsessed with it!
So I did some research on the matter and found out that most kids like the dog dish and that I should just make sure he doesn't eat it. Well, easy enough to say but when your nearly three year old has managed to get on the counter is dropping coffee mugs onto the floor, it is a different situation all together. He gets the pieces in his little fists and holds on like they are the only food he is allowed. It doesn't matter how many musical toys or trucks are put in front of him either...he still bee lines it straight to those dang red bowls on my kitchen floor.
All I can say is that I am excited to get that extended gate for the kitchen, the one with the swinging door and animal door.
On another note....he got his first tooth too. So as I pulled the dog food from his mouth, I also get bit. Yay.
I hate whining.
How is it that children, toddlers to be more specific, learn that whining is the one thing that drives parents crazy? Is it in our DNA to possess that high pitched, fake tears, and drawling screech? My daughter has recently discovered that attention is attention and that she will take negative attention as well as positive. It is one of those thing that I was trying to avoid by making sure she had time with just her parents and plenty of things to do, so that she didn't feel the need to act out...I was delusional to dream of such peace.
She can make your hair stand on the back of your neck, so much that I believe there is a little military standing at attention back there. My ears ache and my head rings, but I suffer in silence until the fit is over...and my husband wonders why he has to say my name 3-4 times before I realize he is talking to me. Hahaha. It is a skill that mom's aquire - survival instinct 101.
Literally. My son is everywhere, all the time...he never slows down.
He started crawling recently and I mean the real deal here - no more army crawling around the house but up on all fours and quick. He has reign of the house, with restrictions of only the stairs and the dog food. The only place he decides to use this freedom...the dog bowl. He is obsessed with it!
So I did some research on the matter and found out that most kids like the dog dish and that I should just make sure he doesn't eat it. Well, easy enough to say but when your nearly three year old has managed to get on the counter is dropping coffee mugs onto the floor, it is a different situation all together. He gets the pieces in his little fists and holds on like they are the only food he is allowed. It doesn't matter how many musical toys or trucks are put in front of him either...he still bee lines it straight to those dang red bowls on my kitchen floor.
All I can say is that I am excited to get that extended gate for the kitchen, the one with the swinging door and animal door.
On another note....he got his first tooth too. So as I pulled the dog food from his mouth, I also get bit. Yay.
I hate whining.
How is it that children, toddlers to be more specific, learn that whining is the one thing that drives parents crazy? Is it in our DNA to possess that high pitched, fake tears, and drawling screech? My daughter has recently discovered that attention is attention and that she will take negative attention as well as positive. It is one of those thing that I was trying to avoid by making sure she had time with just her parents and plenty of things to do, so that she didn't feel the need to act out...I was delusional to dream of such peace.
She can make your hair stand on the back of your neck, so much that I believe there is a little military standing at attention back there. My ears ache and my head rings, but I suffer in silence until the fit is over...and my husband wonders why he has to say my name 3-4 times before I realize he is talking to me. Hahaha. It is a skill that mom's aquire - survival instinct 101.
January 9, 2011
Finished out the year...a half hour early.
I used to enjoy holidays.
I used to fantasize about the great new years party I would plan for all my friends and neighbors. Music playing with Times Square on the TV, waiting for the ball to drop. Confetti and drinks, decorations and snacks, a kiss to welcome the new year.
Reality of it all hit me this year. As my kids fell asleep on the couch, sprawled between my husband and myself, breathing quite audibly from the congestion that swept our family into a thick sickness. (yuck) My friend who has stayed with us for a few days, sitting in the chair with two dogs. We watch the ball drop in East coast time and wait for our own time zone...if only. The last thing I remember is talking in hushed tones to each other about what the new year would bring...and then waking up again at 12:26. Looking around the room, everyone was asleep. Not one of us made it to midnight. The exhaustion took us by storm, and we were merciless to its power. A bunch of young twenty-somethings who should have been at a bar, dancing a welcoming 2011 dance, but no. We are snoozing in our sweats. Just glad to have some time to sleep.
Wow. What a difference my life is.
Some friends of mine have recently been discussing that having me as a friend (with my two kiddos) is a great form of birth control because they see the reality of it. Motherhood is not easy. Motherhood is not glamorous. Mommies have to work hard to be milf....if they even reach that status ever. Motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice. You are no longer allowed to be selfish. Time, food, money, everything...it all belongs to your children. You scrounge for an hour to watch Grey's Anatomy or Army Wives - most the time online or on demand since primetime tv is a distant memory. If my television is on, brightly colored animals sing and dance to outrageous themes about manners and putting on your shoes. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my electronic helper, but I used to have Maury on in the background talkin bout "you are not the father!"
Even right at this moment...I am trying to eat a salad (little prep time...quick to eat) and my son is crawling around and my daughter fell asleep in her lunch.
I used to fantasize about the great new years party I would plan for all my friends and neighbors. Music playing with Times Square on the TV, waiting for the ball to drop. Confetti and drinks, decorations and snacks, a kiss to welcome the new year.
Reality of it all hit me this year. As my kids fell asleep on the couch, sprawled between my husband and myself, breathing quite audibly from the congestion that swept our family into a thick sickness. (yuck) My friend who has stayed with us for a few days, sitting in the chair with two dogs. We watch the ball drop in East coast time and wait for our own time zone...if only. The last thing I remember is talking in hushed tones to each other about what the new year would bring...and then waking up again at 12:26. Looking around the room, everyone was asleep. Not one of us made it to midnight. The exhaustion took us by storm, and we were merciless to its power. A bunch of young twenty-somethings who should have been at a bar, dancing a welcoming 2011 dance, but no. We are snoozing in our sweats. Just glad to have some time to sleep.
Wow. What a difference my life is.
Some friends of mine have recently been discussing that having me as a friend (with my two kiddos) is a great form of birth control because they see the reality of it. Motherhood is not easy. Motherhood is not glamorous. Mommies have to work hard to be milf....if they even reach that status ever. Motherhood is the ultimate sacrifice. You are no longer allowed to be selfish. Time, food, money, everything...it all belongs to your children. You scrounge for an hour to watch Grey's Anatomy or Army Wives - most the time online or on demand since primetime tv is a distant memory. If my television is on, brightly colored animals sing and dance to outrageous themes about manners and putting on your shoes. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate my electronic helper, but I used to have Maury on in the background talkin bout "you are not the father!"
Even right at this moment...I am trying to eat a salad (little prep time...quick to eat) and my son is crawling around and my daughter fell asleep in her lunch.
New year, new me.
For a long time I have had a skewed vision of myself and the life that I live in.
Dreaming and idealizing what I would do, where I would go, and who I would be without living the life that I have been given to the fullest. In so many ways there are numerous opportunities that I have let slip without realizing they were there at all, and on the other side of things I have gained so much in the process...I don't want to let any more time go by without embracing it fully.
I feel like so much clarity has come to me through the course of this past year and now with a clean slate of 2011, I want to use this new motivation and self realization to my advantage. I want to embrace life and enjoy it. I will make needed changes, not without complaint I'm sure but when you're faced with hard decisions they mind is more important than the act itself I believe. For example, I want to make time...time for myself, my family, my passions, my future. Making time literally is not a reality but what I choose to do with each hour I have is essential. Instead of relaxing by watching TV or texting, I can write or scrapbook. I can hang out with friends when I hit the gym with her/them. I can dedicate time to my kids individually so that they feel fulfilled, creating less stress time due to bad behaviors. I can plan finances better so that my dear husband doesn't get overwhelmed, and I can tell him everyday that he is appreciated and loved...through actions, words, or unspoken moments shared in a hug.
I want to improve myself and show my inner strength. I want joy to radiate out of me, like it used to so that it is contagious. I want to be satisfied with life, even when it doesn't seem to be going my way. Mind over matter.
My resolutions: ...so far....
*work out with Britta to get healthier (and lose the baby weight!)
*take time for family.
*tell Dan my feelings and what he means to me more.
*indulge in my creative side more by scrapbooking, creating household goods, etc.
*try to learn a new skill
*stay connected to friends with more than just facebook
It shouldn't be a resolution. So I won't list it. This is a lifestyle change and getting back to what was...
I WILL retouch the spiritual side of my life. I have let it go for a long time and haven't been too enthused about getting back to my spirit because I was afraid of what it would look like to myself. But screw that. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, and there is no reason that I should be scared of what I look like on the inside because I am a good person. I have been dealt an offhanded card throughout my years and I could be in a bad place but I chose a different life for myself. I chose life. I chose to be better than was expected of me. I choose everyday to love and live. I choose to make improvements where they need to be and I choose to follow my heart. I choose to let go of things and people that stand in my way and I choose to keep those who stand by me and support me.
I choose a new me. I choose a new year. I choose.
Dreaming and idealizing what I would do, where I would go, and who I would be without living the life that I have been given to the fullest. In so many ways there are numerous opportunities that I have let slip without realizing they were there at all, and on the other side of things I have gained so much in the process...I don't want to let any more time go by without embracing it fully.
I feel like so much clarity has come to me through the course of this past year and now with a clean slate of 2011, I want to use this new motivation and self realization to my advantage. I want to embrace life and enjoy it. I will make needed changes, not without complaint I'm sure but when you're faced with hard decisions they mind is more important than the act itself I believe. For example, I want to make time...time for myself, my family, my passions, my future. Making time literally is not a reality but what I choose to do with each hour I have is essential. Instead of relaxing by watching TV or texting, I can write or scrapbook. I can hang out with friends when I hit the gym with her/them. I can dedicate time to my kids individually so that they feel fulfilled, creating less stress time due to bad behaviors. I can plan finances better so that my dear husband doesn't get overwhelmed, and I can tell him everyday that he is appreciated and loved...through actions, words, or unspoken moments shared in a hug.
I want to improve myself and show my inner strength. I want joy to radiate out of me, like it used to so that it is contagious. I want to be satisfied with life, even when it doesn't seem to be going my way. Mind over matter.
My resolutions: ...so far....
*work out with Britta to get healthier (and lose the baby weight!)
*take time for family.
*tell Dan my feelings and what he means to me more.
*indulge in my creative side more by scrapbooking, creating household goods, etc.
*try to learn a new skill
*stay connected to friends with more than just facebook
It shouldn't be a resolution. So I won't list it. This is a lifestyle change and getting back to what was...
I WILL retouch the spiritual side of my life. I have let it go for a long time and haven't been too enthused about getting back to my spirit because I was afraid of what it would look like to myself. But screw that. I don't need to prove anything to anyone, and there is no reason that I should be scared of what I look like on the inside because I am a good person. I have been dealt an offhanded card throughout my years and I could be in a bad place but I chose a different life for myself. I chose life. I chose to be better than was expected of me. I choose everyday to love and live. I choose to make improvements where they need to be and I choose to follow my heart. I choose to let go of things and people that stand in my way and I choose to keep those who stand by me and support me.
I choose a new me. I choose a new year. I choose.
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