How do we measure time.
In minutes, hours, and days? Or in moments and memories and events?
I don't know anymore.
I have so many things going on in my life that the days reach their fingers into each other and what feels like days ago was this morning. I don't know if that is just being busy or if it is being too busy to see the moments that make each day unique. How do I just go about my day and not think or dwell on my situation, whichever one it might be for the day?
My family is falling apart and all I can do is watch, wait for the moment that I don't ache anymore. Wait for myself to literally split in two from the conflict. I so much want to make sure my marriage makes it, I want so much to just fight for that comfort of home. I wish it could be that simple but it's not. It's not the same because of the issues. The mix of depression and addictions. I can't make things happen and I can't force change, all I can do is set my boundries and pray. I know God has this, but it is very hard to see the path for me right now. I know that I created the circumstances that I am in as God forgives us for our sins and can wipe away the guilt and shame, but He doesn't just make things better for you. There is a reaction to each and every action. I chose this, now I must figure out how is best to deal with this. There is so much possibility in it all, I wish so much that he would see Christ in all this and be set free from the problems but I don't think he will. I want so much for this to be the starting point for a great and wonderful life together, that revealing all to each other would bond our souls together, to get through this rough time. I want it, I need it. I don't believe it will be mine.
So, I sit and wait and see how this goes.
I don't know my surroundings anymore, it's not familiar land.
I feel like a tourist in my own marriage. An unwanted vacation that won't end. I want to be home, where I know the feel of my husband's arms, remembering the scent of his embrace. I want to walk through the front door and be surrounded with love. I want my love tank to be full and not ever need to fear where the next station is at, just a constant flow of love. I really really don't want to have to think about finding it all over again. I know it's a possibility, but it's scary. I want to beat the odds. I want to have more kids and buy a house, and move to different states and enjoy our interests and learn new ones we didn't know existed.
That picture is like the dream that fades slowly away, the image gets blurry and the conversations seem harder to understand. My life is in that moment when you're not asleep any longer, dreaming of the perfect life, but you're not quite awake...hoping that if you just keep your eyes closed the dream will come back.
