Driving down the street we stay within the lines. These lines dictate the direction we take and the signs along the way tell us how fast we'll get there and it a bump is ahead. We apply these rules to our daily nondriving lives as well. Why?
Why do I decide that it is "normal" to do this and this is the speed at which I should get there, and then feel bad if I don't?
Being without my husband in the home has opened up this whole new world of being accountable to only me. I used to run errands, clean, and mother on a schedule that meant everything would be completed by the time he got home from work so that he didn't give me that look, you know the one. The look that says "I wish everything was done and the kids were in bed so that I could just relax, but no, now I have to do more work." I HATE that look, and have realized that I don't have to accept it. My house isn't super tidy, but it's not a mess either. My kids are happy, fed, and content...why scold them when they just really want to say goodnight to their dad? I've missed being me. I am a person who likes bright colors, finds momentary joy and applies it to the long haul. I am someone who likes to laugh and enjoy the night, worrying about cleaning for another time...I don't want to miss the moments with my kids because I am too busy barking at them to clean up their room.
Getting a text stating that he wants to see the kids doesn't give me the feelings that I thought it would. It makes me glad that he is missing them and that when he shows up I can be proud of my house. That I am on top of it all...on my own time...and that I am exceeding his expectations for what I would be like without him. I know that he figured it would be devastating and that I would just fail without him, but I know how to survive and have done much worse than this. I like to prove people wrong about me.
Getting me to crack under pressure is like getting blood from a turnip.
