Line Define

Driving down the street we stay within the lines. These lines dictate the direction we take and the signs along the way tell us how fast we'll get there and it a bump is ahead. We apply these rules to our daily nondriving lives as well. Why?
Why do I decide that it is "normal" to do this and this is the speed at which I should get there, and then feel bad if I don't?

Being without my husband in the home has opened up this whole new world of being accountable to only me. I used to run errands, clean, and mother on a schedule that meant everything would be completed by the time he got home from work so that he didn't give me that look, you know the one. The look that says "I wish everything was done and the kids were in bed so that I could just relax, but no, now I have to do more work." I HATE that look, and have realized that I don't have to accept it. My house isn't super tidy, but it's not a mess either. My kids are happy, fed, and content...why scold them when they just really want to say goodnight to their dad? I've missed being me. I am a person who likes bright colors, finds momentary joy and applies it to the long haul. I am someone who likes to laugh and enjoy the night, worrying about cleaning for another time...I don't want to miss the moments with my kids because I am too busy barking at them to clean up their room.

Getting a text stating that he wants to see the kids doesn't give me the feelings that I thought it would. It makes me glad that he is missing them and that when he shows up I can be proud of my house. That I am on top of it all...on my own time...and that I am exceeding his expectations for what I would be like without him. I know that he figured it would be devastating and that I would just fail without him, but I know how to survive and have done much worse than this. I like to prove people wrong about me.

Getting me to crack under pressure is like getting blood from a turnip.

Simple days

Minnesota winters are surprising and throw us for a curve every year. You'd think we'd know, understand, and expect the roads to become slick, the air to be bitter, and the commute to include time for ditches or accidents. But we don't. With the first snow comes ridiculous driving, grumbling, and finally the winter coats...and only because we would be covered in fresh snow as we scrape the ice off of the car windows if we didn't.

I like when the days look too cold, but are quite pleasant instead. The mounds of fresh snow not stained by dirt or salt, the sky is vibrant and the sun is out. It's like looking into a pile of diamonds. Dancing in the sunlight, coating every aspect of my home. I love winters.

I do not like the biting cold...I dub them "vampire days" because all you can do is stay inside and pray that for no reason should you have to go out. Days where if you inhale the air outside it will escape your lungs through violent bronchial spasms, days where your eyes tear up immediately causing your eyelashes to freeze instantly together. Days that call for school closings (here that temp is -40*F), the car won't turnover if you begged it to, and the only appealing food is hot soup in front of the fireplace.

Today is one of the good days...going outside to take my dogs out, slippers and a sweatshirt, watching them act like goofs. I truly believe that they think the snow has covered a giant leg of mutton or something due to the way the force their snouts into the ground and disappear under the white blanket. I laugh out loud every time...if they were humans and adults I would mock them endlessly for the look I get when it's said and done, the "oh crap! my nose is really cold...didn't find that treat though." Maybe I should just throw some bones out there for them, just so that they feel accomplished one of these times.

Laughter is good for the soul.
I needed that today. I needed to remember that little things make up the big picture, so by not noticing the little moments my days drag into a stream of worries or in depth thinking...and let's be honest - who wants to concentrate all the time on the daily hardships? I would rather approach them like homework, taken in small doses, getting done with them on my time. Noticing these moments each day are making me remember to have a camera handy as well!

Appreciate the moments, appreciate the big picture, and enjoy your surroundings.

Still holds true!

I was reading old posts that I have made...this one is relevant and needs to be said again. :)
Something to lighten your new years resolution of going to the gym

Some things that recently have been on my mind while at the gym include:

1. Attention Skinny Divas - DO NOT judge me. I see you staring at me while I work out, with the sideways glances. Gym's are made for getting in shape and that's what I'm doing. I'm not here to get my GTL on. I'm not here to find a man. And I can't wait to see you put the effort in when you've had two kids in two years.

2. If you are in close quarters, like say the locker room, and my locker is next to yours, please just wait for me to grab my bag and move. Don't rub up against me stark naked, and then proceed to shove your assets in my face while you dig for your clothes. k? (and ps. if you are going to go nude here, at least shave or wax...it really is distracting)

3. Please be kind and workout next to people. Don't space yourselves out so much that when two people want to work out next to each other, it is impossible. Same goes for the sauna or the hot tub...I understand wanting your space, but when new people come in, just make some room. Thanks.

Despite the snide glances and bare bottoms, I will continue to go. I will reach my goals of health.

Day One

Today is day one in my new life's journey.
I have always been a mother, a daughter, a friend, and a wife. Today one of those roles has altered.

He moved his stuff, loaded it into his tiny one bedroom apartment, and said goodbye to the life we built. It was a mutual decision, I am not upset, just kind of shell shocked that it has actually happened. I shouldn't feel relief and motivation, but I do. There have been so many moments leading up to this day. Some of my previous posted elude to the knowledge that addiction and depression have created a canyon within our home, something that takes time navigate and construct a bridge over. I wanted to build that bridge, climb the steep slopes and wade the waters surely flowing through it all, this was not on his mind. I believe he saw that things were broken, and the way he could fix it was to hire a helicopter to fly him over. Not dealing with the fact that there is gorge right in the middle of everything, the a process has to happen in order to safely walk across. I feel like I started the hike, ready for anything but shortly in he turned around and left me stranded. Copping out by saying that it would take to long.

I get that healing for him will be a life change, I just thought that our children and our marriage were worth it. I know on some level, he does think that, but on another he just wants to forget. He wants to say it's no big deal and pick up his life from five years ago, before he met me.

New life. New memories.

This change has really occurred at a cliche' time in my life, as this transformation really started on the 16th of December spanning over the literal new year.

I feel lighter, free. Free of burdens that I didn't choose. Free of toxins roaming my body and soul.
Just free.

Time passes

How do we measure time.
In minutes, hours, and days? Or in moments and memories and events?

I don't know anymore.

I have so many things going on in my life that the days reach their fingers into each other and what feels like days ago was this morning. I don't know if that is just being busy or if it is being too busy to see the moments that make each day unique. How do I just go about my day and not think or dwell on my situation, whichever one it might be for the day?

My family is falling apart and all I can do is watch, wait for the moment that I don't ache anymore. Wait for myself to literally split in two from the conflict. I so much want to make sure my marriage makes it, I want so much to just fight for that comfort of home. I wish it could be that simple but it's not. It's not the same because of the issues. The mix of depression and addictions. I can't make things happen and I can't force change, all I can do is set my boundries and pray. I know God has this, but it is very hard to see the path for me right now. I know that I created the circumstances that I am in as God forgives us for our sins and can wipe away the guilt and shame, but He doesn't just make things better for you. There is a reaction to each and every action. I chose this, now I must figure out how is best to deal with this. There is so much possibility in it all, I wish so much that he would see Christ in all this and be set free from the problems but I don't think he will. I want so much for this to be the starting point for a great and wonderful life together, that revealing all to each other would bond our souls together, to get through this rough time. I want it, I need it. I don't believe it will be mine.

So, I sit and wait and see how this goes.
I don't know my surroundings anymore, it's not familiar land.
I feel like a tourist in my own marriage. An unwanted vacation that won't end. I want to be home, where I know the feel of my husband's arms, remembering the scent of his embrace. I want to walk through the front door and be surrounded with love. I want my love tank to be full and not ever need to fear where the next station is at, just a constant flow of love. I really really don't want to have to think about finding it all over again. I know it's a possibility, but it's scary. I want to beat the odds. I want to have more kids and buy a house, and move to different states and enjoy our interests and learn new ones we didn't know existed.
That picture is like the dream that fades slowly away, the image gets blurry and the conversations seem harder to understand. My life is in that moment when you're not asleep any longer, dreaming of the perfect life, but you're not quite awake...hoping that if you just keep your eyes closed the dream will come back.

One Week

One week makes on the difference.



This time one week ago, my world was still in one piece. My life made sense. I had two beautiful children with a great man, a home and family of envy. I had everything I could think of and my greatest worries of the time were that I am a Christian and my husband is not.



Seems meaningless now. Like I shouldn't have concentrated on that when there are such bigger issues hovering on the horizon like smoke after a forest fire.



How was I supposed to know?



I want to be angry at God, say a big "F you!" and just walk away with a why me mentality but it's unlike me to be so confrontational. Even in the moment when I discovered this secret, I didn't get mad. A little sick to my stomache, a little light headed, and a lot of disbelief that I was in fact awake, but not angry.

I knew God had been preparing me for something, and I thought I had it all figured out but I had no clue the plans behind Christ's guided journey that I've been on the last few months. I see what an awesome God He is and that I have no say over His will for my life when I have surrendered it all to Him and can only accept what He says. I may fall on this journey and not understand what is supposed to happen in life from this, but I am praying for answers and that the grand scheme be revealed to me.



I did not choose to deal with this...I chose a man who has this as a part of his journey. He needs God, he needs me, he needs someone to love him despite this and to understand that an addiction is a mental state and not a personality disorder. I have to love him like Jesus loves him, and the Jesus I know would not leave him to deal by himself.

Oh goodness

Henrik is walking.
Adilynn has gained attitude.
I feel like I have been hit with the reality whip...

Why is it that you don't realize how fast time actually goes by until it's too late to take it back? My kids are children now, right in front of my own eyes, every day changing and growing. I just don't understand how that happened. I know, I know. "Time Flies" but seriously; when did my daughter become the child that uses expressions that I use, picks out movies to watch, adores Barbie and can name her role in every show? She chooses her outfits and tells me the truth (however much I don't want to know it: "mommy, your hair is crazy" (<---to the hair style I'd worked on for an hour))
My son is walking and starting to talk, how? I haven't come to grips with the fact that his first birthday is in a couple weeks, but come on. Why does he have to quicker to these milestones than Adi was?? I'm not prepared to let him go and have him explore the house and learn new skills...selfish as that may be, I want him to be my cuddler, my breastfeeding to sleep, content in my arms, depends on me for everything BABY for a little (okay, a lot) longer.

If this puts it in perspective, I interviewed and toured a preschool the other day. One that I have to pay for. That's right...PAY FOR. Education has a cost, and I can no longer say that I am okay with low-income, free schools (though I was at one myself) but there is something there, something different at a private school, that can't be compared. I wouldn't feel right knowing that my daughter would do best at this Montessori school, but just didn't want to pay for it, and so I send her where it is convenient for me...I would feel like I wasn't putting her first. And if I do anything in my life, it WILL BE to sacrifice my own desires for the betterment of my children. I can give up my coffees and scones. Period.

Please God, make time slow down.